dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
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Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.