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If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
Breaking news:
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!