I’m literally crying
You Might Also Like
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster