sistine chapel
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Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Oh, I bet you would be
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.