DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
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My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?