Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
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M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Not all heroes wear capes….
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.