*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
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[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
🤣🤣🤣
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese