Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
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What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean