Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
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Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.