a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
You Might Also Like
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
I am a gravy boat captain
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
Donating blood today to make room for more food