[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
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Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
Skills
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.