[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
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3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
favorite tropes as memes
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
Lucky old June.
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.