Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
You Might Also Like
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
crazy
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
Now, where’s the sport in that?
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.