isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
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idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?