[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
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If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*