In a parallel universe nobody can park.
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#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Called it
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.