Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
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Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Me when my alarm goes off
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
getting corrected
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
is nasa ok
Shoo shoo! 😂
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it