50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
You Might Also Like
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
#Caturday
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
This why you should mind your business
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.