Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
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Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast