I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
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Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
I forgot how to panic. Help
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*