There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
You Might Also Like
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
back to work
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Before & after 😅
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?