if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
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ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
Personal question. #JustSaying
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*