Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
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twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
🌱🌱🌱
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
In case you needed to hear it:
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Support your local cemetery
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.