If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
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In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
IT’S-A ME,