Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
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Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
Breaking news:
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.