Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
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I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either