Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
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Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
Seek kebab; not attention
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit