[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
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Why is this me 😫
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
I’m putting together a team
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]