showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
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I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
Choose your fighter
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
How to make infinite energy.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.