“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
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You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job