[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
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Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
this is uni
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”