Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
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If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.