My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
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*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.