Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
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“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
finally found a reasonable question
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile