My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
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If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.