DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
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I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
we’re dead?
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.