Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
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If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.