A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
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Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.