Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
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If you breakdance you buy dance.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
oh my gosh!!
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Omg 🤣
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”