Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
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Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
boat question
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha