I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
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The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
Happy Star Wars day!
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*