“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
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(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
whenever i wake up before my alarm
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Okay, I’m still confused…
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too