11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
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just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.