Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
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Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
going to the ER y’all need anything
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
i guess his teacher was really pissed