All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
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Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird