*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
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Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
Yoga Matt
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class