“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
You Might Also Like
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit