He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
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A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
when mom throws a party…
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Not today.. 😂
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry