the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
You Might Also Like
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.