The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
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Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
☠️☠️☠️
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste